Have you ever felt so overwhelmed by insecurities and doubts? Have you ever felt like you’re not good enough for anyone? Have you ever felt like everyone’s gonna leave you one day for someone better?
God only knows why I’m feeling like this at the weirdest hour of the night. It’s 1:22am and my insecurities are beginning to take its toll on me. I feel inferior and incapable of the simplest of things. I am crippled by the fear that one day, I will end up alone. That no one will love me for who I am.
From a physical and aesthetical point of view, I honestly believe I am inferior compared to 99% of the global female population. If there was some sort of ranking, I think I’d place somewhere below dead animal carcass but a step above repetitive bored holes (and by bored holes I don’t mean unentertained holes hahaha) because that shit is just nasty. (Google trypophobia for more information.)
To many of you, I might seem like I don’t have any insecurities. Dig deeper and you’ll find the most marvelous plethora of insecurities. My fear is that I will never be pretty enough for anyone. Not smart enough. Not talented enough. I might seem rock hard on the outside, but somewhere inside me lies a very insecure girl with the lowest self esteem you’ll ever encounter in any human being.
Feeling this vulnerable sucks. Maybe I have listened too much to society and its garbage definitions of what should be labelled beautiful. And my irrational fear of rejection has made it much harder for me to move forward.
I try, every day, to feel good about myself. I occupy my time absorbing fashion trends, keeping up with social networking sites, and engaging in conversations with other people, all so that I will fit in and conform.
But no one wants to conform forever. I look at other girls and try convincing myself that there are some things I am capable of that they aren’t. It never works. I end up beating myself up over how they’re prettier, smarter and more talented than I am.
Then I end up feeling miserable. Sometimes, all I need is someone to take me out of my misery. Occasionally, people provide me with verbal comfort and assurance. But once I am left alone with my thoughts, these insecurities come creeping in again, and it paralyzes my whole being.
I’m never gonna be beautiful. I’m never gonna be smart. I’m never gonna be good enough for anyone. That’s what I truly believe. Whether or not you believe me is another story. But I feel that typing this makes me feel slightly more liberated from my fears. I don’t know why. I seek solace in my blog. The kind of comfort that no living person can provide.
This isn’t fun at all, it’s tiring and I’ve had enough. When will I ever be good enough. 😦