Blues

I’m beginning to look around every nook and cranny of my bedroom for anything that’s out of place so I can return it to where it belongs. I become so occupied with it, that in a heartbeat, my room is immaculately clean.

I take a step back and realize how anal I’ve been. Then it dawns on me that I am upset. I clean relentlessly when something is bothering me. Tonight, despite the festivities, I am not spared.

More than two months have gone by, and I have since passed the stage of post-exam euphoria and am slowly transitioning into the horrifying stage of reality where it becomes clear that March is around the corner. This is, inevitably, the month of results and dare I say, the beginning of depression.

Many people tell me I am pessimistic. But I beg to differ. I’d like to believe I’m being realistic. Being forced into doing form six was the worst decision of my life and the darkest two years of my life. Am I being melodramatic? Maybe. But at least I’m being true to myself.

Being the subject of such torment under a ridiculous education system where I am being treated as a lab rat is not at all fun. My friends all end up pursuing something they love, and where does that put me? Stuck in miserable Kuching, studying something I have no interest in. To top it all off, I had to endure all sorts of stress just to sit for one of the hardest exams in the world. Something I am clearly not made for.

At the end of it all, I’m quite certain that my results aren’t gonna take me anywhere — hardly anyone survives form six with decent results — and therefore, I am not going to end up anywhere in life.

I have applied to local universities. Still, I have qualms about being able to enter due to injustice and discrimination.

Life, haven’t you had enough of bullying me? I’ve had to put up with so much since I was young. Please, I just really need a break right now. 😦

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