Disclaimer : I know how behind I am in my 30 Day Blogging Challenge, and I’m really sorry for that. Classes have started and this semester is insanely busy for me, but I won’t be shaken. I’ll blog as frequently as I can, just not every day, as promised.
Fear is such a big word, and it holds a different meaning in each person. It may be a psychological construct to some people, or something that’s very real to some others. Whatever it is, we all have them. Personally, no matter how much I try to put on a tough facade, on the inside, I am actually afraid of a lot of things. I have little fears like insects, embarrassment, Nicki Minaj (hahaha I kid), and I have bigger fears, like losing my loved ones and losing control over my life. It’s the big fears I have that leave me anxious and cowering behind the bitchy mask I put on.
I lost a brother when I was younger, but I never really knew him. He died 40 days after his birth, and I never got to meet him much because he was warded and I was not allowed in to where he was due to my age. Only years later did I realize that it was because I was susceptible to viruses and bacteria, being only 6 years old at that time anyway. I always had a longing to get to know baby Noel. Back then, it seemed to me that everyone in my family had the chance to get to know him, and I didn’t. My parents visited him in the hospital every night, and even my brother Nigel got to share the same womb with him for 9 months. And me? I only took a few glances of him post-partum before he was brought away to the ICU. To this day, I feel a slight emptiness that probably stems from losing someone I never really knew. Sure, he couldn’t speak or do much while he was alive, but I always wanted to see him. To feel him, to know him the way I knew my other brother. I never got that chance. I didn’t even attend his funeral, because my parents felt that it would be too much for me, so they made me stay at home.
Losing a family member who I never really got to know was hard. Losing a family member I’ve spent 21 years (or more) with sounds worse. All four of my maternal and paternal grandparents are alive and well, and my uncles and aunties aren’t even pushing fifty. Heck, both my parents are only 47 years old anyway. I always dread the day I have to attend the funeral of someone I am close to now. I dread feeling even emptier, feeling normless, feeling aimless. I spend a great deal of time with my family, and I can never picture a life without them. They have taught me so much in life, and much of who I am is because of what I have learned from them. Whenever I think of losing anyone in my family, my heart shatters into a million pieces. Needless to say, I am not emotionally equipped to deal with death.
Another one of my biggest fears is losing control over my life. I’m a planner. I like knowing that things are going the way I anticipate them to be. I thrive on being the best I can be, and I’m always looking for ways to improve myself. I wasn’t always like this, but things have changed and circumstances have shaped me into this person. A control freak. There are things I will never concede defeat to; and these three vices are something I will always stay away from– alcohol, drugs and promiscuity. I will never get drunk and do things I will regret the next morning. I’m already doing enough of that while I’m sober. I will never do drugs and squander whatever little I have now. Lastly, I would never sleep around because God forbid, the chances of contracting a sexually transmitted disease, or worse, a BABY before I am ready are high. I refuse to put my life on hold because I wasn’t responsible for something I did while I was under the influence of alcohol/drugs/lust. It takes very little to change a lot, and I am well aware of that fact.
Fear is always so subjective, but it’s what makes us human. The irony is that fear, however different it may be to each person, is what makes us all the same. It is something which can unite us all, if only we let it. Fear can be a positive thing, but only if we allow it to be.