On June 16th, I penned a post about committed relationships here. To summarize, I talked about committing three years of my life to someone I loved, and braving the storms with him. Looking back, what I wrote probably was true– but much less than I would have liked.
A few weeks ago, I called my three-year relationship off. Many people are surprised by my decision to do so, but it was something I mulled over for nearly a year. You see, when you meet someone at such a young age, you are naive, and sometimes even silly. I was idealistic enough to believe that the age gap would not make a difference. I was idealistic enough to believe that this guy would be my last. I was idealistic enough to believe that our differences did not matter– and that I would want to stay in a relationship regardless of whether I am happy or not.. Because I was idealistic enough to believe that commitments like that should not be broken.
For a long time, I brought myself to believe that my irritability towards him stemmed from deep-seeded emotional instability on my part. I believed that all the fights that we had were completely normal. I also told myself time and again that I would never find anyone as great as he was to me, and I really believed it when he said, “no one will ever love you more than I do.”
Maybe I should have noticed something was awry when I deliberately distanced myself from him. There were so many occasions when I just could not bring myself to hear about his day or talk about mine– because I just didn’t care. All this, coupled with the age gap, brought me to do the most drastic thing I had contemplated for almost a year.. Which was call for a break up.
It really does not matter who calls a relationship off– it’s tough on both parties, I’m not going to lie. A few days after I broke up with him, I wanted to pick up my phone to call him. Why? Because for three years, he was all I had ever known. Thankfully, logic trumped my muscle memory, and I left it as it was for both of us to heal in our own ways.
I’m not sure what healing for him means, but for me, healing means opening my heart up to believe that I am destined for bigger things. Healing for me also means adjusting differently to life, because there is no denying that I am a different person now.
I do not resent or hate him. In fact, I still believe that he has a great character and strong personality. What changed was me. I grew up and out of my relationship, and now, as a 22-year-old adult, I am more certain of what I want and what I need– even if that means leaving the comforts of a three year relationship.
I am at peace with myself, because if I did not make that decision for myself, I would have missed out on the opportunity to fall in love with someone new.
.. And I have. 🙂