For the past two years, ever since I started university, my life took a complete turn. I woke up with an infectious enthusiasm to learn new things and attend lectures, something I had never experienced before. I have been more willing to put in extra hours, to pore over books, and pull all-nighters, because I love working hard for what I love doing. I would also be grateful every end of the semester when I received my results, because they were reflective of all that I had sacrificed and worked hard for.
For a while, everything was smooth sailing because I did not let other people come in between me and my perceived happiness. Yet, something was always missing, especially at the turn of 2015. It felt like there was a void– a tiny, black mass within me that drained my energy no matter how much I achieved or wanted to do. It left me irritable and sometimes even angry. I was a very negative person because of that void, and I became someone I did not like being.
However, my outlook changed recently. Not completely, but enough to shrink the size of that void into something negligible. I started waking up feeling positive, like nothing was going to weigh me down. I became more driven to do what I wanted to do, and I felt like I could conquer anything as long as I set my mind to it. I was hardly irritable, and I felt more at peace with myself. I began to feel like all I wanted to do was spread positivity and happiness, because I genuinely wanted to share it with the people around me.
Then, I had an epiphany. All along, I let someone else bring my mood down. I had a Debbie Downer in my life, someone who constantly brought a rain cloud with him wherever he went, and allowed that rain cloud to consume him whole– taking me with him. Maybe his life circumstances dictated that, and he couldn’t help it, but it became all too much to bear for me when every single day of my life was brought down by his negative emotions.
Every single day, I needed to offer words of consolation to him because he was consumed by self-pity and helplessness. After so many years, it became difficult for me to bear with it because nothing I said would change his outlook on life. If you know me well, you would know that the one thing I detest is self-pity. I’m a doer, and I believe that you can change your circumstances.. I just couldn’t convince him of that because he was too wrapped up in his own troubles. My words fell on deaf ears. This left me to be a person I did not want to become– angry and frustrated, because everything good in my life was brought down by his negativity.
Whenever I was excited about writing a blog post I was particularly proud of, there was little to no support. He hardly read my blog and he rarely asked me what I wrote about until I asked him to read it right in front of me. It felt like I had to beg for his attention. As a result, I felt like my dreams and ambitions were secondary to his. The whole relationship became all about him.
Walking out of that relationship meant leaving that small bubble of negativity. I started becoming happy again, and proud of myself for mustering up the courage to exit a potentially harmful, self-consuming environment. Some days I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt for leaving him at his moment of weakness, but that is exactly the problem– every moment is his moment of weakness. It engulfed his whole life, and he became the last person I wanted to go to when I had something on my mind. It really isn’t his fault, because he is just emotionally wired to depend on another person with all his life, but I am a free spirit.
Today, I am happy. I wake up and literally count my blessings, because there is nothing to pull me down anymore. I am my own person now, and I am responsible for my own happiness. I no longer have to be an emotional crutch for another human being. Don’t get me wrong, I love being dependable. The problem comes when I start to become someone’s emotional lifeline. I am able to spread positivity and happiness because I don’t feel like I should be guilty for being happy.
Life is too short to dwell in self-pity. There are way too many beautiful things in life to see and look forward to. C’est la vie, carpe diem, and all that. I’m just so grateful I had the chance to learn that before it was too late.