A while ago, I wrote a little about my MBTI personality type; which is INTJ. INTJ stands for Introvert (I), Intuitive (N), Thinking (T), and Judging (J). I blogged about it and how it applies to me here. In its essence, being an INTJ means that I am what they call an ‘architect’ — a perfectionist, a control freak, someone who is extremely logical, and to a certain extent; even having a superiority complex over everyone else because of our high self-confidence.
For the most part, I think that this personality test describes me rather accurately, and out of the many times I have re-taken this test, it has yielded the same results. The only anomaly is the part about INTJs having high self-confidence, because I, like many others, suffer from deep-seated insecurities.
Of course, it is a given– everyone has insecurities; some bigger than others. As someone who has been labeled a perfectionist on many occasions, something that I struggle with is inadequacy. To see someone who strives in a field I am particularly weak at makes me feel inferior to everybody else. I do not discount my own abilities, but I find myself dwelling in the things that I cannot do. It brings me down, and I replay my shortcomings in my head countless times until it really gets to me. It doesn’t matter– it could be my physical capabilities, the way I look, writing, or my studies– once I feel inadequate, it becomes permanent.
It definitely does not help that I am very introspective. I think a lot. I am often lost in my own thoughts, and a lot of things are built in my head. It gets to a point where I find it difficult to accept compliments because of how absurd I think they sound in my head.
However, if there’s one thing that I learnt about confidence, is that no amount of praise from even the most significant person in your life can fix that for you. As cliched as it sounds, confidence comes from within. Our thoughts are a powerful thing– we are beings that are capable of thinking things into existence. Once you think that you are inadequate, you become inadequate, because you let that feeling manifest in your thoughts.
Every day is a struggle to feel like I am good enough, much like everyone else. I need to learn how to control my thoughts, but I am grateful for the people around me who remind me of my worth. Some days I believe them, some days I don’t. What is important, though, is that it does not reach a point where I become self-destructive; and nobody ever should get to that point because that is when you should seek help.
As for my MBTI– I believe that personality types are not a ‘one size fits all’ thing. There is no one type that perfectly encapsulates your personality; but it can come close. As for me, I am happy being an INTJ, regardless of the stigma and backlash surrounding it. After all, being an INTJ places me in the ranks of Jane Austen and C. S. Lewis– and that is the greatest honour of all.